Father Christmas Don’t Exist

Sorry to be so cynical but this is the title of my first cab poem. Finished it last week but so much on I’ve only just got round to posting it. I thought about saving it for December but I like my poems to be hot off the (word)press. So here it is, rather embellished from the original version told me by a couple of cabbies about what happened to their mate:

Midnight, Christmas eve.
The wife’s giving me grief
cos I just took a fare
from Herne Bay to Broadstairs.
Who pays for the turkey,
the Wii, the tree? Me!
A hundred hours this week
to pay for this antique
she wants, don’t need. Rat race!   
I get a call from base,
pick up from Harbledown,
when this bloke hails me down.
Black sack, red and white suit,
the white beard, the black boots,
ten stone overweight.
So where you going, mate?
He slurs the word, Iceland.
I go,  That’ll be three grand!
Isn’t it Lapland, gov?
But he’s having none of
it. Wants Iceland the store.
In the back, slams the door.
If you want cheap frozen
chips, mate, shop’s not open
but no, he don’t want chips.
The belt clicks, the beard slips.
Tells me he met this girl
Sue, used to work the till
at Iceland. They dated,
married. Separated.
Three months on she dumped him
for a drag queen called Kim.
So he thought, if I dress
up she’ll come back. Success!
Loves the black boots, the beard.
But now she says he’s weird,                   
overdrawn, overweight,
well past his sell-by date.
She’s got a point, I say
You’re best before…today.
I pull up in front of
Iceland, Ten pound please, gov.
Double fare. Ten gold ones.

Door flies open. He runs!
Red and white snowball with
boots on. You only live
once. He can’t up the gears
without the sleigh, the reindeers
so the chase don’t last long.
I tackle him, he’s strong
but I’m stronger, wrestle
him to the ground and call
the old bill. Weighs a ton.
What am I sitting on?
A sad geezer in drag
with a big black bin bag
full of his belongings
cos his wife don’t want him.
You gotta laugh. True love?                    
A fare’s a fare. End of!


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